There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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