Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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