plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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