I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
