I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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