Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
