MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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