it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
