There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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