I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
