I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
