i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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