Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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