Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
