u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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