I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
