sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Randomize
