My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
