My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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