I'm gonna have a badass scar
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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