thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
