Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
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