I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
