she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
