Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
