why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
