This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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