dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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