dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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