Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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