I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
