Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
