I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
