My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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