Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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