I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So vagazzling was a success
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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