and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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