Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
