I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
