I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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