a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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