You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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