I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
