come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
