Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
