she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
