Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
