I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I am puke
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
