I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
