We're like a lot better than the average bears
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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