Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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